Confused…

August 13, 2007 at 7:09 pm (Foster Parenting, Solo Parenting)

Once a month – now that is much more my style.  Leaves lots of room for “midwestern do better” guilt that can paralyze you from writing because the next one should be really clever to make up for not writing.   But I have enough mental vomit to dump into cyberspace that I am not going to let a little guilt cause me to assure cleverness. 

We have had lots of happenings in the past month.  Not such a great month, truth be told.  I have battled DCFS and am now holed up, wild eyed and licking wounds…more on that later-  

We have moved.  We have a 2nd court date for terminating parental rights since it wasn’t done correctly the first time.  Little man has a new baby sister (half-sister, technically).  I haven’t spoken to my parents in over a month since they made it clear they will never accept my adopting a son and I let loose the claws.  Don’t poke the stressed out mamma bear. 

So, a question for the reader.  I think my parents are wrong, but I was an ass in my email.  Do I make the first move – is that the christian thing to do?  Or do I just leave it and when they decide it is important to be a part of our lives they can open the door.  It feels like for years I have taken their emotional abuse and turned the other cheek and just kept going back for more, continuing to make them a priority in my life even though I am not a priority in theirs.  If I don’t call -even before all this- we don’t talk.  I feel like I have wasted so much energy into this relationship and even in my 30’s I was thinking things would change.  I would finally be enough, as is – not married.  For now I have let their approval go.  So am I just being stubborn and wounded by not making the first move or am I setting boundaries?

On a completely different note…

I have read a book that is really messing me up.  The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne.  I heard him speak a few years ago, have checked out the Simple Way blog from time to time and have listened to a few online sermons by him from my virtual church but for some unknown reason – other than my skepticism and irritation of all things God related lately – I went into this book reluctantly and with a bad attitude.  The book really spoke to me, re-opened my eyes to that fact that I do kind of dig God, just not what christianity has become.  Seriously do not read this book unless you are ready to get messed up. 

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6 Comments

  1. josh from Gabbatha said,

    Came across your blog by doing a search on the word “Christian”. Thought I’d stop in and say hi.

  2. prad said,

    Hey there you poor confused thing….
    Put your guilt away and move on. Remember you need to look at the situation and confirm who owns the problem. Is it your problem that your parents (mom) have choosen not to accept your adopting a son or is it their problem? Hmmmmm!

    I haven’t spoken to my father in 4 years after his inappropriate outburst at my house in front of my 14 year old son. I do have the occassional pangs of guilt and debate over calling him, sending a card or letter. At some point it just became obvious to me that he wasn’t going to change and he wasn’t going to ever accept me for who I am. I had to decide if I wanted to continu to try to win his affection and love or was I going to let go. I let go. It’s his loss.

    prad

  3. solomom said,

    How do you make a decision to let it go. I can for awhile and then I am back to wanting family, wanting grandparents for my little guy, feeling sad that I don’t have it. Although when I picture it in my head and want it – it is of course not the real family I have…the one I see other people having and feel I deserve too. Did you really let it go or did you just bury it?

  4. solomom said,

    on 15 Aug 2007 at 9:36 pm1 Cuzzin Carrie

    I am sad that you feel you don’t have much of a relationship with God. I don’t know where I’d be without Him in my life. HE is my source of joy, happiness, and fulfillment. And because He loves me so much He blesses me with all that I have in my life. It wouldn’t be worth doing this life thing without Him as Center.
    You know much about the kind of the life I grew up in – what you are facing now..why would you even want to do it without Him in the Lead? Are you going to raise Sabastian to be a “self-reliant” I can do it myself person instead of having a God-reliant relationship? Just wondering…
    I love you-
    Carrie

  5. solomom said,

    I thought I would post your comment here, and respond and give others a chance to see it and comment further if they desired.

    You talk about God being the joy of your life, as do so many christian songs, books, the bible, etc. I have never felt that, perhaps very brief moments, but never a lasting joy.
    I have felt peace at times, and lots of hope that one day their would be joy. I trust you and if you say he is your joy that you really feel he has been/is-you wouldn’t just say it to sound “spiritual”. I have often wondered why that hasn’t been the case for me, it certainly hasn’t been for lack of trying. The old you need to pray more, study the word more, etc. There was a time when I really really dug in and prayed and did all the “right” things-college years, etc. I am not sure what it says about me, or God that I have not found joy in him.

    I think my relationship with God right now is in one of those desert seasons, which doesn’t scare me, I have been there before and trust his timing and plan on how long and what I am to learn here. Would prefer something else but that is true of pretty much every area of my life right now.

    I very much want my son to have an authentic relationship with God. I am not sure I can really teach him to rely on God instead of himself since that is something I struggle so much with but hopefully I can talk to him about those struggles and pray that God can be his father and teach him the things that I can’t.

    Love you too!

  6. plrad said,

    Hey Mom,
    How’s life treating you today? I miss you and would like to see you and meet Sebastian sometime.

    I did let go. At some point you do realize that you can’t change people and who they are, how they think and feel. I would have loved to have had a the “perfect” family and a grandpa for my children but it just doesn’t always work out that way. Be grateful for what you have and what you can give the little guy. Maybe some day things will change but don’t cling to that hope. Only appreciate it when and if it should happen.

    I hope you are well.

    Love ya,
    PRAD

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