Has anyone found the off switch?

June 13, 2007 at 1:20 am (Foster Parenting, Solo Parenting)

lightswitch.jpgBoy I could use a break from life right now.  Hospital, the apartment we live in making my boy sick, now he needs glasses on top of everything else, a visit with birthmom tonight who is asking for an overnight visit, leaving the visit each time rips his little heart out, which in turn kills another piece of me, trying to figure out how to get us out of where we are living now without having to sign a year lease somewhere else…or should I suck it up and by a house here despite the fact that I hate where I work and have never liked this town.  Can someone please tell me where the off switch is?!

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Poor Little Guy

June 9, 2007 at 8:34 pm (Uncategorized)

So I have not posted for a long time, which is to be expected.  I have never been able to journal on a consistent basis so why I think I would blog, who knows…

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One reason is that my little guy has been in the hospital this week.  Poor little guy!  I never knew how exhausting it can be to not do anything in a 10 by 10 room 24 hours a day. 

I also got to see what a “real” nurse’s work life is like.  It probably would not have been as bad as I pictured it back in nursing school.  I am trying to think if the nurse did any of the actual hands on care and I don’t think she did.  Not saying this in a critical way.  It is just that there are so many people who do each part of the care-the respiratory therapist monitored his oxygen levels, breathing, lung functions and administered the breathing treatments; phlebotomists did the blood draws and associated testing; aides took his vitals; lab people did the chest x-rays, etc.  The nurse educated me on the admitting procedures, took the medical history and coordinated the flow of all the other people coming in and out of the room for the days and nights that followed.

What a difference nice people make.  But a note to all new medical folks, my kid will not like you no matter how hard you try, so please just get what you need to done and forget about making friends with him.  Make friends with mom, though, because we are scared and really need a friend.

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The Power of the Blog

May 30, 2007 at 2:54 am (Uncategorized)

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The power of the blog…I have been nagged to join this phenomena for quite some time and have resisted.  Now I start and viola – a weekend that does not disappoint me in any way.   Great friends, a well-behaved little boy who napped both to and from Madison, drinking cheap wine and talking about spiritual stuff

What if as I start to blog life becomes as beautiful, fun and meaningful as it is in my head?  What if all my dreams come true and I stop being disappointed by everything around me?  I will be forced to stop being a cynic, and then I will have nothing to blog about, nothing to be sarcastic about.  

Then I would stop blogging and then life would cease to be as it is in my head.  I would have to become a cynic again and then I would need to blog again.  I am getting dizzy picturing my life now that I have struck the keyboard.  I must find a TV to numb myself back to sleep.

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Damn Lazy Ducks

May 28, 2007 at 1:34 pm (Social Justice)

The other day I had decided we would feed the ducks but hadn’t thought to bring any bread from home that morning. So I stopped at the grocery store, bought some cheap white buns and then picked my son up from daycare.

 

We went to the park along the river and as we were walking toward the levee we passed a homeless man curled up against an abandoned hot dog stand, reading a book. As we neared the edge of the water my mind began to race. I had purposely driven out of my way to go buy bread for the ducks. Greedy, lazy ducks who sit and wait at the same spot everyday for an easy meal – all male ducks, by the way. While a few feet away a homeless man was sleeping in the park – when had he last eaten? I had bought bread for lazy ducks, but had not given any thought to buying anything for a food pantry, homeless shelter, etc. Mind still racing, I looked at my cheap-ass white buns (the ones in the bag from the grocery store) and well, I couldn’t offer a homeless guy that. That would be disgraceful. So I handed another bun to my son to throw to the ducks, but he shoved almost the whole thing in his mouth and laughed. He acted like the bun was the best thing I had ever given him. He continued to throw some to the ducks and cram more in his mouth. Running around laughing and completely filled with joy. Then he picked up some rocks and joyfully “fed” those to the ducks, too. There I sit stewing in my thoughts of what to do in this situation.

 

A friend has been trying to get me to blog, so I decide to look at the situation with a writer’s eye. My son is oblivious to the turmoil I am in, he is just enjoying the moment with the ducks. Maybe this is a spiritual lesson – instead of becoming anxious and depressed about the homeless man and what my response is “supposed to be”, I should approach all of this with joyful abandon like my son. He would be just as happy to “feed” the homeless man or the ducks. Yes, this is a beautiful spiritual moment and I shall become a writer/blogger and share my insight with the world. Can’t you see the heavens open and the choir singing. God wants us to see all living things with joy and opportunities to share and give. He doesn’t want us treating people like projects or duties but as joyful opportunities, as friends to break bread with.

 

Except when I tell my son “we are going to give the rest of the bread to the friend who was reading a book”, he starts screaming “no” and shoveling the bread into his mouth as fast as he can. I angrily snatch the bread away from him and tell him again we are going to give the bread to the man. He is screaming and throwing a major fit behind me as I start to walk back over to wear the man was sitting. The man is asleep. Damn it, this is not how this is supposed to go. In the blog, my son would skip over to the man and graciously extend the bread to him filled with toddler joy. He would not be screaming “no” and the man would not be asleep with the book over his face. Now what! Can the universe not throw me a bone here!? Seriously!

 

I decide to walk around a little more and maybe the man will wake up. A few minutes later I see the man is awake again. I approach him with a smile and extend the bread out to him. “Would you like the rest of this bread?” I say sweetly.

 

The man looks at me with the exact same look I would give someone if I were sitting in the park and they tried to hand me half a bag of bread. “What the?” Umm, we bought it to feed the ducks, there is nothing wrong with it or anything, I just thought you might want some. To which he says “oh, yeah I’d like to feed the ducks that would be nice”. I drop the bread by him and we walk to the car. As we are walking I notice two more homeless guys sleeping on picnic tables under a shelter. I think maybe I should call and put a pizza on my credit card to be delivered to them. Has anyone ever done that? Called Pizza Hut and ordered a pizza to be delivered to the homeless guys in the park?

 

I did not order a pizza, the man didn’t want my cheap-ass white bread, my story wasn’t a beautiful Christianity Today vignette about joy found through the eyes of small child. Can life never be as nice as it is in my head?

Damn lazy ducks.

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